Friday, January 12, 2018

So everybody’s kids could be mine

I really liked the latest interview on LWB:
http://lifewithoutbaby.com/2018/01/12/our-stories-teresa/

I tried to leave a comment, but I couldn't. I might try later. 
Teresa's thoughts reminded me of my feelings when in the darkest days of my infertility.

She wrote that she had given up on God. I know, I had given up on God for many years.

I loved the article that I found on Pamela's blog this week:
https://www.liftable.com/marybeth-bittel/dolly-parton-says-never-kids-god-plan/ 

I really liked this part:
Dolly Parton explained that although she’s been married to her husband Carl Dean for over 50 years, she feels that not having children was part of God’s larger design for her life. “I think it probably was his plan for me not to have kids,” she said, “so everybody’s kids could be mine.” 

If someone told me this when in the darkest years of my infertility I guess I would try to smack him/her. But nowadays most of the days I feel like that.

Friday, January 5, 2018

You don't have to do anything you don't want to

One of my colleagues listened to an interview with a 80-year-old woman. She was asked if she could give only one advice to younger generation, what would it be?  Her reply was: "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

I haven't been feeling well lately (it sucks having asthma & heartburn issues). I am not really ill, but I certainly didn't feel well enough to attend company's after-new-year party. I listened to the advice of wise old woman, so I went to see my GP and asked for one day of sick leave.

I spent a cosy day inside, reading this biography: 

My Early Life

I do admire Churchill!

Thursday, January 4, 2018

A candle for a friend

I got an email  today from a husband of a friend (from the time of IVFs). He wished me a happy new year and then wrote that sadly his wife passed away few days ago, leaving him alone with their son. 

I am so sorry for him. And I am so sorry that a 7-year-old boy will have to grow up without his mother.

I had an amazing support group during the times of all infertility treatments. But one by one they were getting babies (in a country where 6 IVFs are completely free of charge most of the women do get what they wish for). I no longer belonged to their group. They were still nice, inviting me to their events, but I could not - in the darkest days of my infertility - go to meetings where there was only one topic: pregnancies, newborns, toddlers...

So I stopped going to their reunions.

This friend even wrote to me couple of times after the birth of the child. I said congratulations and best wishes for the baby. She invited me to see the baby. Can't really remember what I replied, but probably that I am not ready for meeting the child and that I will get back to her when I am ready.

I wasn't ready for many years and when I was ready, I forgot about her and she forgot about me.   But yet ... my email was somewhere there for her husband to find and let me know about the tragedy.

If you didn't go through infertility you probably think I am selfish b****.
If you did go, then you understand... it is self-preservation. Without it I literally could not survive accepting childless life after the infertility.

I sent email with condolences to her husband and their little boy.

And I will lit a little candle in her memory now.

I can't do anything else.



Animals



I just loved the video about the cute little girl who feels sorry for the animals. 

I almost don't eat meat (but I am not a vegetarian yet). 

When you own an animal (in my case a dog) you realize how smart they are and how cruel it is to breed and kill them. Since they understand so much.

I loved story about Esther the pig. I am glad that at least she has a happy life:
i-accidentally-bought-a-giant-pig 

Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy and Healthy New Year!



In my country we never wish only for a happy new year, good wishes should be always in combination with health.

So, my dear readers, I am wishing you a very Happy and Healthy New Year! 


PS: photo was taken almost 12 years ago, while travelling around Patagonia (on the photo: breathtaking beautiful glacier Perito Moreno). My therapy during the years of failed IVFs was travelling. Always when heartbroken the only thing that worked for me was buying a plane ticket and fly far away for few weeks together with my husband. Since we had 10 failed IVFs we have seen quite some of the world :)  One of these days I will make "best of" travelling photos from that time.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

My Christmas wish

I have the same Christmas wish as the last year and the year before.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you come from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you. 

I promise I will not publish your emails, nor misuse them in any way.

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com


I am looking forward to Christmas :)
I loved receiving emails last December from literally all around the world!  


PS: on the photo: our capital, Ljubljana, with Christmas lights. It is very pretty! Photo was taken few days ago when having mulled wine (=tradition here) with coworkers.

Friday, December 15, 2017

December









Since I try to save as much money as possible for "our little house" project, this year my husband and I didn't spend a lot for our holidays. The only overnight stays that we paid were 2 nights while cycling in Austria.

And yet, I am fortunate to have a job where I can travel often. I have just returned from Italy. Italy in December with all the Christmas lights is just beautiful! 

I have been doing really well this December. Not that many years ago, when in the darkest years of my infertility, I really suffered in December. Now I am getting my life back which means I am enjoying December.

There are moments that hurt (and there always will be).  Like feeling trapped in work lunch where all women are in the age group 30 - 45 and all they can talk is about their children's school and homeworks. Not long ago I would be depressed for days after.

Now I just thought it is sad for them if they are not capable of any other theme than this.

Me for example:
- I don't even mention my beloved Wolf to people who are dogless :)
- I don't talk about my husband, about beautiful things we did together previous weekend to my girlfriends who are single
- I don't talk about nice afternoon that I spent with my brother to a friend whose brother passed away or to a friend who lost her brother because of possessive sister-in-low
- I don't talk about beautiful gardening days that I spent in summer with my mom to friends whose mothers sadly passed away
- I don't talk about my plans to travel to a) Paris and Normandy and Provance and b) New Zealand as soon as the house is built and at least partly paid off  to friends who earn very little and can't ever afford any holidays
- I don't talk about my sport projects to a friend who has multiple sclerosis and who hardly walks
- ....


If infertility didn't come to my life, I would probably be the same as most people. But now I am not. I am glad to have this feeling what to say (or not to say) to people. I like to be compassionate. But sometimes it makes me angry - why can't the rest of the world be compassionate with me?