I am a 40-something European woman doing what I once thought wasn't possible: finding happiness after infertility. While it's been a long, difficult and emotional journey (10 unsuccessful IVF treatments), each day I take another step down the path toward a fulfilling new life. This is my story of reinvention.
I will be happy to hear from you: klara.soncek (@ ) gmail.com
"Truth is, life is not
fair, and life has no rules. Life is much better than that. We're not at
school. It's not the hardest working or the wealthiest or the most
virtuous that succeed at "perfect" happiness. Sometimes, the most we can
do is nothing. Just let life decide and fall in love with our destiny.
That's what we chose to do, for now.
complete even if we don't check all those stupid boxes. We're complete
without a shiny job. We're complete without a shiny wedding. We're
complete without a shiny baby."
I was having a busy day at work, attending a whole day meeting. I felt good - until I let one silly coworker ruin my day.
To make a long story short - she is approx 10 years older then me and has just got her second grandchild. She just couldn't stop showing newborn's photos to various coworkers - some of them are grandmothers, some hope to be soon, most of them are younger and have small kids.
If you have children - how easy it is to participate in small talks like this.
It is still hard to me. It is way easier to talk work related stuff.
This experience left me worried. How will I handle arrival of grandchildren of people I know? I am afraid that I will be hurt all over again.
My original plan was to write a blog for few years until I am healed and then stop. But I guess I will be needing my blog in the years to come.
The next day I was having lunch with group of younger coworkers (they are all around 30 - 35, they all have two kids) and one of them started to talk about a woman we all know who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. They told how they check their breasts every month (so do I). I added that I had already had two mammographies. They wanted to know why and I told them that because I am in endangered group so I was sent already now (not when 50 as usually in our country). They wanted to know what I meant by endangered group and I replied that it was because I had never given birth. It was easier to say this then to say that because I never breastfed.
The young coworkers were kind and intelligent, talking to them didn't make me sad.
It is what it is. Now it is up to me what I make out of my life.
Swimming with beloved Wolf in my favourite part of our country, in the crystal clear lake.
Today, when going for a walk, Wolf found wounded little hedgehog. He was stuck in hot sun, on the road, so I took him with me to my vegetables garden and put him in the shadows, together with water and food. When I returned home it was gone... I was so happy! I hope it gets well soon (I think it will, it was very vivid).
And here is the cutest story possible. I was walking to the library when I saw a young mother with two little daughters, twins, aged around two. As I was passing by one of the girls said something to her mother and pointed at me. I didn't really hear well, but then a mother repeated after a child: "Yes, the aunt is beautiful." I smiled at the baby, thanked her and returned the compliment. (a note: a lot of times with young children they use word aunt instead of Ms./Lady/woman). Perhaps the child only liked my white dress with flower ornament. But since she was looking directly into my eyes I prefer to think that she liked my smile. Her comment made my week. Because I know that only few years back I could not smile to any child and now I can. It feels good.
Another kids' story. The other day I took three kids to the swimming pool. Cousin's daughter is now eight and as I was in my swimming suits she was observing me. And she asked: "Klara, are you pregnant?" (a note: yes, I should do push-ups more often then twice per year).
"No, I am not."
"But don't you want to give birth to a baby?????"
"Well, I am just too old to have a baby now."
The child remained speechless. For the very first time she heard that there is such a thing as being too old for having a baby.
The niece who is 9 said nothing. She just listened.
But the cutest was the girl's little brother, aged 5. He asked with disbelief: "So Klara, you are old???". For him - his granny is old. And his great-grandmother is old. And I am not :)
As always, I lack time in the summer. So I will say goodbye and will be back with the first rainy days at the end of the summer. I am attaching some photos from Croatian seaside, it was lovely to swim for couple of days.
I am busy growing my vegetables:
My favourite sweet is terragon potica, here I backed half of potica terragon, half with blueberries:
The traditional potica is with walnuts, but I like to be creative.
News from few weeks back: the pope asked American first lady about potica, it was nice to see how many articles were published on this topic, here is one of them: Potica
I have spent many beautiful walks with husband and Wolfie. This Sunday we were lucky to pick up these:
Spagetti with porcinis were delicious, so was the jam that I cooked.
A new highlight of this summer: I love to swim and my nieces and a nephew love to swim, but their parents not so much. I love taking them to huge open swimming pool for a swim. I love being their aunt.
There were also some moments in July that I felt my childnessness again.
I was invited to an uncle's barbecue and nobody bother to tell me that also a distant relative was invited with her newborn, aged 4 weeks. It was aweful, all conversation involved talking about the baby, memories of giving childbirth, breastfeeding etc. Did I have to contribute anything to the conversation? Social gatherings like that remind me that I don't fit and that I never will.
I spent some lovely moments with our distant family from Australia. I loved talking to them. We were talking about something and I know that I was thinking how easily I bond with some people. But then there was a comment (said by couple 15 years old then me, with 3 grown up children): "Yes, the wheels of life are turning." (the remaining of the sentence had to do something about their children and grandchildren). I don't have children, so what are my wheels of life?
I love the impact that my pen-friends have on my life. I got a book recommendation from my beloved pen-friend, I just love this book:
Some quotes from the book that I liked:
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
“The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have."
“Time is all you have and you may find one day that you have less than you think.”
“When we're connected to others, we become better people.”
This is all for now... enjoy the summer! (or if you are from the opposite part of the world, enjoy the winter ;)